You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.