A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.