The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.