Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.