To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.