Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.