Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.