He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.