I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.