All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.