No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

No good deed goes unpunished.