I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.