A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.