Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.