If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.