If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.