Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.