Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.