If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.