Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.