I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

No good deed goes unpunished.