Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.