A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.