Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.