Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.