If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.