Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.