Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments