When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.