You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.