Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.