Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.