I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.