There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.