I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Women are made to be loved not understood.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.