You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.