My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.