Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.