Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.