There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.