Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.