Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.