You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.