Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.