A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.