I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.