I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money