[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.