When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps