I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.