What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.