I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.