I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.