Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.