A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.