The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.