The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
