Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
