You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.