I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.