I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I drink to make other people more interesting.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.