Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.