You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

No good deed goes unpunished.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!