Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.