I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.