A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.