I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.