But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Women are made to be loved not understood.