He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.