Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.