The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.