You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

No good deed goes unpunished.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.