If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.