A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.