All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.