Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.