No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!