Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.