If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps