I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.