You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.