He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm single because I was born that way.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.