My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I'm single because I was born that way.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.