Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.