I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.