May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.