The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.