I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!