I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Men are as faithful as their options.