My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.