I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ