If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.