If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.