It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.