I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.