If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!