My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.