I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.