If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?