My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.