A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm single because I was born that way.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.