If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.