All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.