When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.