Men are as faithful as their options.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.