I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.