When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.