May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I'm single because I was born that way.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.