I have nothing to declare except my genius.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.