Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.