I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.