I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.