Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?