Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.