The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.