A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.