Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.