I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.