I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?