I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.