I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'