I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.