Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.