Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.