Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.