If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.