I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.