A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.