If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.