Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion