And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.