I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.