I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion