If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.