The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.