What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.