If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Men are as faithful as their options.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.