Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.