Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.