The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
No good deed goes unpunished.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.