I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.