But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.