Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.