Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.