I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.