No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.