I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.