Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

No good deed goes unpunished.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.