When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.