May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?