A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.