A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.