When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.