A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.