If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm single because I was born that way.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.