Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.