By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down