No good deed goes unpunished.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.