I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.