But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.