I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.