If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.