The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Men are as faithful as their options.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.