Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.