A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!