One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.