I'm single because I was born that way.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.