You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.