Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.