Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.