There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.