At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm single because I was born that way.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.