Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.