Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.