I drink to make other people more interesting.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.