I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.