The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.