I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.