Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.