Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.