If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.