To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.