I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.