To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.