The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.