Sex is an emotion in motion.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.