It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.