You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.