Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.