If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.