I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.