Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.