I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.