I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.