Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm single because I was born that way.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!