There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

No good deed goes unpunished.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.