I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.