Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.