In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?