A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I'm single because I was born that way.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.