If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm single because I was born that way.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.