I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.