Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.