No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.