I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Men are as faithful as their options.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.