Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

No good deed goes unpunished.