Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.