I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.