I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
