Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.