If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.