When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down