There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.