I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.