I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
No good deed goes unpunished.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.