You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.