If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!