I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.