I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.