When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?