A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.