I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.