He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.