There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.