A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money