It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.