God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.