Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.