Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.