A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.