Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Men are as faithful as their options.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.