I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Men are as faithful as their options.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.