Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.