Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.