When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.