A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!