I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Women are made to be loved not understood.