Women are made to be loved not understood.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Men are as faithful as their options.