If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.