There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.