I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.