He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.