To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.