If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.