Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.