If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.