Men are as faithful as their options.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?