A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Men are as faithful as their options.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?