Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I'm single because I was born that way.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.