You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'