To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.