May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.