If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.