If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.