Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.