I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.