Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.