I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.