Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.