Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Men are as faithful as their options.