It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.