My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.