Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.