I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.