When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.