Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.