What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!