A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.