I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.