I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.