When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.