I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.