You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.