When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I'm single because I was born that way.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.