Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
No good deed goes unpunished.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.