I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.