Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.