I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.