I will not join any club who will take me as a member
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
