I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
No good deed goes unpunished.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
