Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
