I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Men are as faithful as their options.