I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.