Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.