Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I'm single because I was born that way.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
No good deed goes unpunished.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.