I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.