If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.