If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.