Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.