No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.