If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.