By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.