Women are made to be loved not understood.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.