Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

No good deed goes unpunished.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.