Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.