What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.