You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity