Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.