I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.