You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity