An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.