The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.