My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.