Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Men are as faithful as their options.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.