Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.