If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!