I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Men are as faithful as their options.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.