Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?