A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.