A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.